I think I’m going to die at any moment.
Maybe you’ve seen it.
If you remember what I am talking about please send me a link to the video clip if you can.
Otherwise just relate with me on it.
Once I heard a comedian explain that growing up as a kid you’ve got two options: fight or be funny.
I was about 4 foot nothing and weighed in around 100 pounds soaking wet when I was a kid. Now I’m a much more intimidating 5 foot 7 with a grand total of 130 lbs. But it’s all muscle.
I was never much of an athlete.
I did play little league baseball growing up and I loved it. I started around the age of 6 playing T-Ball. I played until I was about 13 when I quit because my coach wanted to practice everyday.
The most physical fitness I did in school was the minimal required gym classes.
I tried out for the middle school basketball team. Besides being too short for basketball I also was terrible at it. I don’t think I made a single shot during tryouts.
The Mighty Ducks movies got me to think I could play ice hockey. It turns out to you have to know how to ice skate.
When I was older I did a couple half marathons, on the second one by the time I crossed the finish line my quadricep muscles were on fire and practically seized up. Not good.
And I was afraid of everything as a kid.
Needless to say fighting was not really an option for me.
Which left being funny.
I like being funny. I tell poorly timed jokes.
I love to laugh. Especially out loud. I have laughed until I have cried. I have laughed in hysterical fits that caused people to think there is something wrong with me. I have been told I have a dry sense of humor. I don’t know about that. I do know that I have a great deadpan delivery. This is because I used to be so serious that now I am great at fake seriousness.
Mostly, like other comedians, I point out situational absurdities. I prefer not making fun of others or being crass.
10 one liner jokes
1 They put so much air and so few chips in the bag that they’ve decide to change the label to just say “Dorito”.
2 I know what I’m doing, maybe….
3 You’ve reached retirement age…
4 I didn’t say, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you”, I said “I wouldn’t do that.”
5 My doctor said his rates went up, so I told him the strength of my meds better go up too
6 Freeze! I’m 32 degrees
7 Digression advised
8 Why does the calculus teacher never say, “what I’m about to attempt is dangerous, don’t try this at home”
9 If walls could talk, you might need to check into rehab
10 You know that feeling you get when you realize that your the only one laughing?
Well these were terrible.
To make up for it here a few of my favorite one liners from what the internet calls the top 100:
+ We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
+ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
+ If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
+ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
+ I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
+ Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
+ Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
+ I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
+ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
+ I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
+ Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I wonder if I will die laughing.