Imagine overhearing a rant about Big Pharma v. Natural Holistic Medicine.
Now imagine you care.
But if I had to come up with Ten New Drug Pharmaceuticals that could be created with Names, Effects and Possible Side Effects, these are what I would want to take. As long as they are safe-ish.
For those days you need to slow down. Relaxium helps those “A” types who just can’t seem to put it down and take a break. On vacation with an “A”? Slip ‘um relaxium. Uhh I mean have their doctor prescribed them relaxium for a calm, fun getaway.
Side effects include: financial irresponsibility, lower inhibitions, and good times.
For the rest of us, on days you are feeling lazy and need to be responsible. Like everyday.
Side effects include: inability to watch TV, hang out with friend, or do anything fun.
For when you need to be a little taller. Sorry tall folks this one is not for you. For the rest of us normal size people, well we are jealous of your freakish height. Seriously. Why do all the tall people get all the love in the world? Effects are temporary and usually last 6 to 8 hours.
Side effects include: not fitting into your clothing (not responsible for ripped or torn garments) and possible altitude sickness.
For the times you just want to disappear. You know like the Ring of Gyges. Not a philosophy nerd? Fine! What about The Lord of the Rings? “One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.” Nope? Well disappear like the freakin’ Invisibility Cloak in Harry Potter. There. Get it? Who doesn’t want to just get away from it all sometimes?
Side effects include: inability to reappear (we’ve lost seventy people in trial studies).
When walking is not good enough, fly. Flymeum lasts 3 to five minutes before needing to re-dose. Not intended for long trips. Not responsible for FAA violations.
Side effects include: crash landings, possible altitude sickness, getting mixed up with the wrong flock.
Ability to pause and rewind real life for those times you need to Ctrl + Z. Timexieum is available in 1 minute, 5 minute and 10 minute doses. Please use Timexieum responsibly. Note: Not all people will experience the same time travel effects equally.
Side effects include: getting into a Timexieum circle (think Gob’s roofie circle from Arrested Development Season 4).
Ability to see the future outcome of a proposed action. Need to know if your boss will say yes to you asking for a raise? Or that project will be successful? Or really the only use guys want: will that girl well you know…
Side effects include: Knowing peoples inner most secrets, knowing too much for your own good, getting rich quick.
After taking Predictium now you need to look your best. Presentax will have you looking presentable in minutes with no effort. Contact you doctor if Presentax lasts more than 2 days.
Side effects include: Loss of brain cells, friends and your keys.
Who has time to cook, eat or even order out? Foodium is the pill you always wanted. A complete balance nutritious pill that takes away the pesky need to consume countless calories.
Side effects include: Loss of brain cells, friends and your keys. Again.
WARNING: Foodium is dangerous. Please consult medical help if you experience loss of limb, eyes or other appendages.
10 Quotex (Not to be confused with Kotex)
Remember that one quote? You do with Quotex. Simple pop a pill and your mind will recall that thing you were thinking of. Famous last words? No problem. History test? You betcha!
Side effects include: Remembering that one time you saw your parents naked wrestling, or that other time when your mom walked in on you while you were… well yeah you know.
All these and more, coming to a drug pusher, uh hum, I mean doctor near you. Summer 2022.