Death, Distractions, Depression, Debt, Disappointment, and Dreams


“Death, where is your victory? Death, where is your sting?”

Yet we still fear dying. I myself am usually not focused on my death. But from time to time I think of my mortality. And when I do I am usually not afraid.

At first.

The longer I linger the more fear grows.

Then I stop because I realize I have no choice in the matter.

Well that is not entirely true.

The choices I have I will not take. And so my death will be what it will be. When and how that may be.

I wanted to deal with death first because it is our final act on this earth. It is a intriguing and fascinating subject. And fearful too. I am confident in my death so I shall strive to be confident in the life I live until that moment.

In a non-negative way I reflect on how I could die today. Or tomorrow. How we all could die sooner than we expect or plan.

This is not to say YOLO and not care about the future, but to be more conscious of the moment in time of the present. Realizing that nothing in the future is a guarantee and this might be our final moments any moment.

With this in mind I want to approach the next topic…


Distractions abound.

They are out in the open. They hide in ambuscade. They are subtle. They are scintillating.

They are fun. They are a drag.

They lead to moments of breakthrough, epiphany, and eureka.

They can also lead to death and…


Depression is difficult to nail down. What was I thinking that caused me to feel down? How long have I been low? When did this start this time? What can I do differently? What thoughts am I having that caused this? What behaviors did I do to lead up to this point?

I am not saying I have a full diagnosis of depression. Though I have had a psychologist tell me I did and said I was in denial when I said I didn’t. The trouble I had at the time might have caused in part depression. But there was so much wrong at the time that it was probably a symptom not a cause.

So I saw a psychiatrist.

The issues at the time I had with these doctors is that they were mostly guessing and most of it was based on my self-reporting and their direct observations. The quandary I had was that I was not a reliable source of self-reporting because I was seeking something else other than treatment.

I wanted an easy fix.

The power dynamics of a patient and doctor are at odds to the treatment process. Due to my inclinations it turned into a personalized first hand picture of what I would end up studding further in my undergraduate degree program.

Ultimately I told the doctor that I could get things done without much effort but I was not really feeling fulfilled by anything. He basically asked me, “Why do you do things half-ass?” I was angry with him because he was right. I did, and sometimes do, things half-ass. I need to give my best effort to feel like I am not just wasting away.

It bewildered me that my negative self-reporting was trusted but my positive accounts were discounted.

I felt like I was being encouraged to stay in the pay-to-play relationship.

Finally I stopped going.

I decided I didn’t need any of this and took to making the most of my life on my own giving it nearly my best efforts.


People struggle to be debt free.

I understand why because I have and do. However for me I have noticed it is just another thing I have been chasing to feel like my life is all together. Which I am not sure it can ever be in the way I might want because there is always uncertainty. For me it was an object of focus and attention and a major distraction.

I think we live in a different world than the minds that encourage us not to be in debt and being debt free will be harder each and every year. Unless we institute the Sabbath Year or even the Year of Jubilee.

We are born into debt. We live in debt. We die in debt.

Debt is life.

What happened?

Saving up cash for a car might have been reasonable and doable in the past.

What about now?

Even used cars can be upwards of $12,000! How long does it take to save that in cash especially if you only make $15/hour? Not to mention all the other living expenses you have between the time you start saving and the time you reach your goal.

You need it to get to work to earn that income. And so you get a car financed.

This is part of the reason to seek out means of income besides being paid by the hour.

One you make several forms of income and have higher cash flows, then perhaps you can save up and pay cash for everything. But even then you might not want to. Why would you sink a 20% down payment into buying a house when you could have that cash liquid? Think about it this way, 20% of a $200,000 house is $40,000. Now paying that into your house may reduce your monthly payment, which might be a goal or yours. If you reduce the principle of the loan by the 20% you have $160,000 and save about $111.11 a month. Not accounting for taxes, interest, and insurance.

This may or may not be useful to you. But $40,000 cash to invest in something that returns much more may be of infinite value through investing in something that improves yourself.

More and more things are being financed. The question no longer is “will you be debt free” but rather “how best to manage your debts”.

Financing is here to stay.

People make too much money off of it to have it go away.

Prices are rising due to financing. Look at college tuition. If it weren’t for financing they couldn’t get away with charging so much. But they do, because they know they can get it funded by lenders who know they can get it paid back by you…

I do have fears, worries, and doubts… but I just find ways to work around them because the show must go on.

Or because what the hell else am I gonna do?


These things I written about can and often do lead to disappointment.

I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to disappoint.

Sometimes I want to disappear.

Managing expectations helps dealing with disappointment.

Generally disappointment does not help anything and is best to be avoided. If caught in it I suppose I should adjust my attitude by reflecting on what truly matters and what really is important.

It is not always what I think it is.



For a long time I didn’t allow myself to have any dreams.

I thought I should strive for mediocrity and like it.


What happened that I thought I should expect nothing more than my daily food and wait to die?

There is so much more to life than that. I need not give up to a meaningless life not worth recording as a footnote of history.

I can be more. I can be great!

And I think you can too!

I think this will happen when I:

Be strong.
Be faithful.
Be awesome.

Until death do us part…


P.S. Want to know who influenced me the most?

I will give you a hint, one was James Altucher.

When reading Conspire To Inspire, you will find out why I chose to feature him along with eight other prominent people.

The story will tell how I discovered them, and why you should care.

Don’t believe me? Find out for yourself by joining me to Conspire to Inspire.



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